Doorway to a Thousand Churches

"It was the tiniest thing I ever decided to put my whole life into."

Wow, can you believe that it's been nine months (actually ten months is what forty weeks adds up to...bastards, you didn't fool me)?!? I'm having very strange emotions about the entire experience. It's seemed like a lifetime, this pregnancy, as Jed will be happy to tell you--but at the same time, it seems like just yesterday we were sitting on the couch and I was mumbling, "uh..honey, I took another pregnancy test and...." I can still feel the disbelief as I sat in the bathroom and stared at the two little pink lines. And the butterflies thumping up into my chest as I tried to tell him the news. And the look on Jed's face when I told him, the utter and complete joy. I remember the feeling of calling Dave and Salem and Aubs, and just feeling like this was right and good and meant to be. I also remember the insecurity of gaining that early pregnancy weight, of feeling completely unsexy and unpretty and being afraid Jed would think I was horribly ugly. I remember also having terrible feelings, feeling like the world I knew had forgotten me, and my friends wanted nothing to do with me. Being meanly horomonal, and hating Jed for being able to have a cigarette or go out. It's funny now, because I realize just what I put that poor man through. Here he was, pregnant girlfriend, as scared as I was, and I expected him to magically turn into a father. Sorry, honey, I didn't realize that there's no magic "Daddy Fairy" to make men into appropriately supportive fathers (just like there's no "Mommy Elf" to make my arbitrarily angry ass into a compassionate, nuturing mother). It took time and understanding and growing up. It was the biggest adjustment I think two people can make, and yeah, I think we've done a pretty good job thus far. Plus we've been just immensely glad that our friends have gotten such a good laugh (really it's evil glee) at watching us change.

In many ways, I feel like our lives have been on hold the majority of the this year, and I suppose that in a way, they have. Our social life took a nose dive, and we don't know that it will ever recover. We've lost some friends, grown distant from many. And for a long while, that hurt us both deeply. It's hard to watch life go on without you, makes you realize that you're not, after all, the center of the universe. Man, was it ever difficult to realize that just because I wasn't out on the town, our social group didn't dissipate in the horror of losing me! Go figure. Our dynamic with each other also changed, and dramatically--We simply weren't, and couldn't be, the same old Jed and Sara. That too, I believe, is something that took an adjustment time, the realization that we could still love each other as fully as we had in our previous life. And that in fact, we loved each other more, and in a more profound sense, than we could have before.

But at the same time, so very much good has come from this. We quit smoking, because we finally had an unselfish reason to do so. I quit drinking, which admittedly had played a too-important role in my life, especially there at the end. (We're convinced that I somehow "knew" that I was about to get pregnant, because man, did I ever go on a tear). Jed also for the most part quit, which has greatly improved his health and well-being. We reconnected with family--not just that, I think we both have an understanding of family that we didn't have before. I have a newfound appreciation for my mother, and our relationship is closer than it's ever been. Jed talks to his family in the UK on a very regular basis, more so than he has in quite some time. We also grew incredibly close to each other. Granted, there's nothing more I miss than sitting on my husband's lap, martini in hand, yapping about nothing...but there's also no better feeling than laying in bed together with his hand on my gigantic belly, or waking up early on a Sunday to gorge ourselves on pancakes, or taking a slow walk around our neighborhood with our hoodlum dogs. And we also realize now that while things simply aren't going to return to normal between us once the baby's here, we can still enjoy the things we once did. It's just a matter of balance. And that's the coolest shit around--we CAN have it all, and we will.

This has been incredibly difficult...Didn't someone famous say that anything worth doing generally is? And in the end, I'm glad that this is my life, and I would not trade this--the good, the bad, and the very ugly--for anything. I feel incredibly blessed to have been pregnant, and I say this in the midst of raging horomones, horrible back pain, and fear of the unknown.

This pregnancy is nearing its end (uh, we're going to be parents in FOUR DAYS), although the greatest adventure is just beginning. This very well may be my last post. Who knows if we'll be able to keep this up after the Captain makes his long-awaited appearance? Who knows if I'll want to share with the world all of my short-comings as a mom once he's actually here? We'll see. And to those who've followed this blog, thanks for reading, and thanks for your continued attention, even when things weren't fun or easy. We hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as we've enjoyed the writing.

Stay tuned--it's about to get interesting.