Update

Jed's been harassing me to write a new entry, and he's right--It often helps me to work through things when they become 'concrete,' so to speak, via the writings.

At my 31 week appointment, my belly was measuring 28/29 cm, which is small (centimeters, from pubic bone to the top of the uterus should measuring just about the same as one's pregnancy week). Due to the smaller size, Dr. Whitehead referred me back to Dr. Greig at Maternal/Fetal medicine for a level 2 ultrasound. The bad news is this: Picard's abdomen, for whatever reason, is really skinny. He also has short femurs (both are a couple weeks behind). Now, that being said, we have very little idea just WHY he's small. Some possible causes of asymmetric growth restriction include problems with the placenta, blood flow through the cord, or issues with the amniotic fluid. We do not, at this point, appear to have any of those complications. Other causes for interuterine growth restriction: severe malnutrition (only seen really in so-called 'third' world areas or in moms with eating disorders), chromosomal disorders (like Down's and Turner's syndromes), excessive drinking (uh..no), smoking (again...no), drug use (I could use some drugs right now), pre-eclampsia (my blood pressure is a-ok), or maternal infection (none, so far as we're aware). Picard just looks...skinny. By his weight, which they think is around 3.5 lbs, the Captain is in the 3rd percentile...not good. My mom says, 'well, someone's GOT to be in that percentile, you know?"..which is true, but still generally because something's not right with the pregnancy. It's rather bizarre and more than a little disconcerning.

We just don't know what's wrong. Of course, my mind goes through the worst possible scenarios, most of them involving Down's. Jed has, for the most part, remained optimistic. Today has been better than yesterday, during which I mostly just alternated between praying and crying and praying again. I've been offically put on a sort of modified rest, and can only work four hours a day. This may go to complete bedrest soon, so that all nutrition and energy can go to the little bean. I'm also downing protein shakes like they're watermelon (and that's a LOT), and Jed's threatening to force a whole chicken down my gullet. Grody.

So..yet again, we're faced with uncertainty about Picard's health. And although I now have to go to the doctor every week, we won't know much about his growth until week 35 when we have yet another ultrasound. It's the not knowing that kills me. Oh, and I feel my hopes for a natural water birth slipping away, as doctors are already talking about a c-section, particularly if he turns out to be small. He's still breech, but there's time yet for turning. Frankly, I don't give a crap what kind of birth we have at this point--I just want our baby to grow and be healthy and safe. It makes me incredibly sad that, for whatever reason, he's not getting the nutrition he needs from me. I can't fix him...it's a very helpless emotion. I doubt he'll ever know how much his mom and dad loved and worried about him, before he was even here.