Amnesia, Euphoria, Ecstasy

As I know you've all INTENSELY missed my rantings and inane updates, here are a few for you to chew on....

1) My job would be far more enjoyable if it were far more enjoyable. Am sitting here at my desk at 7:39 on a Saturday morning--you do the math.

2) Due to public welfare concerns, and possible lawsuits, I should not be put in any position that
requires my interaction with the masses (washed and unwashed). I freely admit to entertaining elitist thoughts and inclinations; hence, my limited dealings with others necessitates close supervision.

3) Kissing is indeed the supreme achievement of the western world.

4) Ellie will be missing her third week of puppy training this Sunday due to scheduling conflicts. She has pooped in the house approximately five times this week, and is currently seeking out the right opportunity for a sixth.

5) I'm a failure, but at least I fail with style. Not grace, but style.

6) As of late, am most annoyed by passive-aggressiveness and those who find the need to be cryptic, rather than just say, "Hey sara, you're the biggest asshole ever. And I mean ever." Snarf. Insert Beatles reference..."We can work it out...etc, etc."

7) Have recently realized that I'm one of those losers who find staff meetings inspirational. I left ours on Thursday thinking, "Ok, yeah. Yeah! I've got the Y spirit and I'm turning over a new leaf!" But, as I'm sure as you've already surmised, I couldn't quite rekindle that spark post-meeting.

8) Am baffled that "bi-weekly" means both: A) Happening twice per week and B) Happening every two weeks. Doesn't that seem counterintuitive?

9) Picture Cartman dressed up like a 12-year-old slut on Maury (you know, the episodes where he has all the "bad" kids come in and they compete to see who is the biggest delinquent, and then they go to bootcamp and all give in and cry and beg forgiveness. I always want one of 'em to stick to their guns and stay evil, but alas, they lack my fortitude and resolve). Ok, you got that picture in your head, complete with halter top and too much lipstick? Now, picture Fufi, in his best Cartman voice (which, incidentally, sounds more like Prince Charles on crank) saying, "What-ev-er. I do what I want." Pure zen, ladies and gentlemen.

10) Did you guys know that Carl Sagen thinks that Plato was a hack? Seriously. I mean, it's been at least four or five days since I saw the "Cosmos" on which Sagen belched forth this horrid statement, and it's still irritating the shit out of me. I think an entire blog may be later devoted to this, for which I'm certian you're waiting with baited breath. Worry not, little sloths, philosophical drivel is coming soon.

11) Smeleanor has developed a most unattractive habit of, whilst in the backyard (presumably to poop), eating massive quatities of rotten acorns. Now, you're wondering, "So what?" Well, I'll tell you what: After she eats 'em, she proceeds to vomit foulness and yours truly has to clean it up. And then, because she's been distracted in her designated bathroom area, she promptly attempts to relieve herself in the house. Any suggestions should be posted without delay.

12) Heard Picard's heartbeat last week. Doctor was all like, "Now, we may not be able to hear it yet, and sometimes they like to hide." Then, he lifted up my shirt. Eyes on belly, he recanted his doubt. "Not with a uterus like that." Am not sure that this was a compliment but am determined to take as such. And the heartbeat--was loud. Didn't cry, though, or become otherwise overly excited, as was painfully aware that a pap smear was soon to follow. Super duper.

All for now, am going to work on something equally unproductive.