A long December...

Jed has given everyone the logistical side of our recent and continuing ordeal. I’ve avoided the blog since we received the shitty news, and quite frankly am not up to writing in it now, but I’m going to try.

I feel…..scared. And sad. And angry. And cheated. I don’t even know where to begin. I can’t focus on anything other than this little peanut who may or may not be ok. We’re seeing the perinatologist tomorrow at 1:45—hopefully we’ll receive good news. If we do, I hope to never think of this again. If we don’t, I’ve pretty much settled on having an amniocentesis. I need to know, one way or another, what we’re dealing with here.

I’m sick of people telling me not to worry. How can I not worry? Yes, Down’s has a much higher occurance in older women, but the majority of babies with the disorder are born to women under 30 (as it’s those women, like myself, who are having the most babies). Ironic, eh?

I don’t know how to pray about this. I mean, how many other parents have prayed the same, hoping and wishing and bargaining for their child to be ok? How can you look at these children, who are, while not “normal,” such amazing little people and say, “Please God, not me?” And I feel like that's all I'm doing, just hoping to not be the "unlucky" one who gets stuck with this. I don't want to be one of those moms who have a special needs child and goes around talking about how it's really a blessing in diguise. I'm sorry--I don't. A mom who everyone whispers about how strong and noble she is and inside they're really just thankful that it happened to someone else.

All I can pray for right now is that I handle this with a modicum of grace and that we have the strength to deal with whatever baby we have…I can’t bring myself to pray for “normal” when I love him so much already, DS or not. The little guy is kicking away right now; Jed says he gives me a kick whenever I’m worrying, just to say, “Hey, mommy, I’m ok.” And thank God for Jed, because without him I think I would have completely lost it. I'm just so sorry for him having to be the strong one and the optimistic one....because quite honestly I don't have it in me. All I can think of is the worst, and I don't know how he handles my pessimism.

Guys, I’m just really scared. I’m having an unbelievable difficult time writing this, because my thoughts are so scattered. And I don’t really like thinking about it…I’m just tired of crying and worrying and crying again. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.