Things I Wish I Could Do/Why Pregnancy Sucks*

1) Go swimming in a great big bowl of VODKA SOUP. (I'd float around on a cocktail olive raft for days, leaning down with my silly straw to slurp up the world's biggest filthy martini)

2) Admire my naked body in the mirror after a shower. Oh, how I long for a flat stomach (and no one told me that my ass would get bigger as well).

3) Eat fried food without feeling nauseous. Come on, that's like the one friggin' joy have left, and now even that's been snatched away. Cripes.

4) Zits. Big ones, little ones. I feel like I'm in seventh grade again. And for a girl whose primary communication with God in middle school centered around having good skin (I'm not kidding), this is a BIG DEAL.

5) Gas. Does this really need an explanation? Condolences can be sent to jedfraser@aol.com.

6) I thought incontinence was supposed to happen after the little stinker is born. Au contraire -- Jed and I took Ellie on a walk yesterday, and I kinda peed in my pants. Just a little, mind you, but enough to mumble, "Uh oh."

7) Headaches. Ok, all the crap books tell me that the second trimester is the "honeymoon" of the pregnancy. So on top of having serious gas, peeing my pants, food aversions, and insomnia, now I feel like a tiny Fred Astair is tap dancing in my skull. With Sammy Davis Jr. And Gene Kelly.

*"Why Pregnancy Rocks" coming soon.