Baby Blues

I've been debating whether or not to continue the blog, and I think I will, at least for a while, if for no other reason than for my own sanity...

I'll eventually write our birth story here, but for now I just need to vent. Maybe after I write this I'll feel a little better. It certainly can't hurt.

Motherhood is...immensely more difficult than I thought it would be. Now, I don't think that I had a particularly romantic vision of how things would go--I've been around babies enough to know that it's often not a walk in the park. But listen up, future parents--all the rules go out the window when it's your own child. Trust me on this. Doesn't matter how much you know, or how much experience you have. As soon as that baby exits your body, gone is your "this is how you raise a child" plan.

It's not the taking care of him that's difficult; I can make a bottle and change a diaper like a champ. What's killing me is my emotional instability. I'm officially nutso, and I can't seem to shake the craziness. I find myself, at least ten times a day wondering, "What the hell did we get ourselves into?"

My life has been reduced to a never ending cycle of feedings, diaper changes, and trying (often without success) to comfort this little human. Taking a shower is the extent of my daily beauty routine. I haven't dried my hair or put on makeup in ages. I can't wear any of my clothes. I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to see or anything to do...and it's really hard. I miss my mom being here--so much. I really just want someone to talk to, someone who understands and can tell me that it's going to get better and it's going to be ok and all worth it in the end. I think I have what they call the "baby blues," and it'll pass. I hope that it does, and soon, because I'm really worn out from feeling so much anxiety.

The captain, on the other hand, is doing fantastically. Yeah, he has his moments where we can't comfort him, and he isn't the best at pooping...but he's eating more and more everyday. He's also getting into a better routine, and sleeping a bit more on his own now. He's cuter than ever...His cheeks are getting chubbier and he's just generally filling out. We breastfed for about five days, but it just wasn't working (although, let me give Cole credit for his exemplary talent at "latching on." He was like a little pirranah). Bottle feeding makes me feel a little guilty, like I am not giving him the best, but it is a great deal easier, and it's something that Jed can share with him.

I can't wait to see his firth real smile...He is a precious, precious little guy. It kills me when he cries, and I can't leave him to "cry it out," which drives Jed crazy. But I'm torn--I know that he needs to expend some energy, but all the books and experts are adamant that it's impossible to spoil a child before four months, and that the best thing to do is comfort them and let them know that the world is a safe place. So--I just don't know what to do with that. Thankfully, he doesn't cry often unless he really needs something. I'm praying that he doesn't develop colic; I don't know how I'll survive that if he does.

So yeah, it's a mixed bag right now. Jed reminds me that it WILL calm down, and it will get better, and I'm trying to have faith in that. Jed is an amazing father, truly. He has a way of comforting the Bean that I just don't. And more than that, he helps me to be a better mom, because he supports me so very much. I don't think that I could do it without him; his optimism and kindness keep me going.

Sorry that this has been such a disjointed entry; alas and alack, such are my thoughts as of late. Thanks to everyone who visited or sent a gift when we were in the hospital...You guys are the best! And to all of y'all who have dealt with my crazy ass during the pregnancy and now the postpartum time, have faith--sooner or later the old Sara will be back.